Thursday, April 29, 2010

Letting all of you go is the hardest part - part 2

seriously this time around, i've been trying hard to pick up all the things i left behind and suddenly yesterday i realized, i've been missing from their life was about almost a year.
I look around and see how things shifted. All of sudden, i feel really sad.

All my lovely persons who i cherish the most, nora, fatin, reef, alya, alyn, qila almost on top of the phase of their mid-teen life. Having a career in sight, a priority to spread wings, be more edgy on education, more abroad. Makes me feel, how fast the time flies.

A mix feeling lingered. All of them are my proud peoples. I really proud when it show, every each of them growing fast and develop into a blooming butterflies. Learnt a lot, able to speak of each mind, giving perception, opinions.

My role has finished as lecturer. I almost to see the end-result for my work. How i mold them to be them not me. My unexpectedly found happiness.

Next 5 to 6 years maybe im not only the proud lecturer, but as a proud brother, a proud uncle.
but still, letting them go is the hardest part.

life is life, i have mine and so theirs. I have no right to stop them from growing.

I wish you all the best in everything u do, u will do.
I remembered once, a man say to me regards this.

"yesterday was history, tomorrow is a future, but today is gift. That's why we called it Present"

i'll cherish every moment with them, even-though i know, deep inside, someday, somehow, i have to let them go..

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Youhuuuu.Knock Knock

Its always been funny when you're looking back what you have done to your life. Especially when you're in relationship before and your girlfriend always said to you that you're the only one and he's just a friend. And the best part is you always believed it. Why? When i looked it back on the recent event, on how i made myself look like a stupid person who has no brain and can't think properly, it never failed to make me smiles.

It's because it shows how stupid you are, it shows how love can make you blinded and it really shows that something is wrong. And it proven right but when i look closely in detail of every aspect, it really shown the true color of the relationship itself. A combined color of two people who think they're in love.

He's just a friend, he's just a friend. A lame excuse that has been used since how long i don't know. But as for me, it is really worth a while for me after all this time i fought for my stand. Finally i am right. Finally i can be bold of my fight and move on with the head high. You're the loser not me. All the accusation has turned right and it made me satisfied and happy for the way i am , for the decision i has made and for all the fight i have been through.

I laughed , jump of joy and feel free because justice has been done and i am not the culprit. Both has found the match and it was so perfect, like a rainbow after the rain. A perfect picture for a so unperfect but yet certainly in love.

As for myself, i will be myself, proud to be who i am now, even-though i am not the best person, I'm a bastard, a fucker oneself, and the best part, i dated a bitch. No string attach and it was so pleasant and a warm nice feeling.

Despite they think they can laugh at me but in fact, I'm the one who laugh. A dispute already settle, i was about to fly high and god still love me. -Amin

To the person it may concern, mybe you thing this is for you but yet it not. but it prove that it's yourself i addresses to. Because only you know yourself and that's why this is a freaking mad entry.

hahaha, let me take a last laugh and i do it for you.
Best part in my life, has been so far. I Date A B.I.T.C.H

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

To the peoples i love: 174

I don't know how to express my sorry to all of you. I was really regret on what has happen on recent event. I know it tough for you girls to give in the forgiveness and you do what's best for you. I was never mad at you girls of anything that you have done, think or even will do when i write this entry.

The fact is i do missed you girls. I know many things has happened and i know that i can control the situation but i didn't. I was too blind to see and too dumb to think, i was in cloud nine and everything was right on her for me but the real situation is i was been fool, make fool of myself and everyone. I realized it but i didn't do anything. That's make me sad.

I do misses you girls, i do think about you girls but sometimes, i tend to do it secretly in order to love her that certainly she never love me. Many things happen on the recent events that i need to tell but i can't. I was ashamed of myself and to all of you. I throw you girls out instantly and now i realize, the biggest mistake i have made is not by going out from her life, but going out from your life.

so right now, i will not expect for me to be forgiven but somehow, i was hoping, i was never there, never exist in you girls' life. So i won't feel guilty and shame like this.

out of word, the only words i can think and coming straight from my heart;

Im sorry.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Note to Heaven: Mashy

Hey there. I know there's no way in this world you can hear or read what i was about to write for u. How are you there? hopefully you is doing fine. I know you will always smiling no matter what's happen. I know you very well. I know you better.

Just want to let you know that im not happy with everything happen to me. Since you left me, i thought all the love you give is totally enough for me to go on strong but i was wrong dear.

From the day you went away until today, my heart is barely heal, i was injured inside, always be the one who picking up the broken heart. I want you to know that i really missed you, i do. Every single day, i was hoping you will coming back. i want to relived our childhood days and i want to be with you

i miss you so much. i know you wont coming back

takecare mashy

Sunday, April 4, 2010

to H: i feel..

It feels like yesterday the last time i held your hand, it feels like it just a minute ago, i smell the scent of your hair, it feel like just now you're in my arm, i warp around you but i feel like forever when you've decide to walk away and leave me. It takes forever for me to mend my broken heart. People come, people go, but u remain in my heart; still.

It feel like it was an hour ago we talked on the phone, laughed and gently speak. Those sweet words lingering and i feel like only a moment ago u kissed me and say i love you but now, it takes forever to live and regret.

It feel like 2 days ago you smiled and winked at me, it feel like 5 minutes ago you say i miss you but now, it takes me forever long to hear it once more but it just took me a while and i realized, i dated a bitch

That's why you go H, the way i know.

Baby want you tell me why there is sadness in your eyes
I don't wanna say goodbye to you
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
But there is something left in my head

You're the one who set it up
Now you're the one to make it stop
I'm the one who's feeling lost right now
Now you want me to forget every little thing you said
But there is something left in my head

I won't forget the way you're kissing
The feelings so strong were lasting for so long
But I'm not the man your heart is missing
That's why you go away I know

You were never satisfied no matter how I tried
Now you wanna say goodbye to me
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
But there is something left in my head

Sitting here all alone in the middle of nowhere
Don't know which way to go
There is so much to say now between us
There ain't so much for you
There ain't so much for me anymore

How to mend the broken heart?

Heartbreak is a very strange distress. It is exquisitely painful, and yet we cannot find an injury on our body. It is like one big emotional pain but it also seems to spark off hundreds of other emotions. We hate the feeling of heartbreak, and yet we find ourselves compelled to go over and over memories, ideas or fantasies which make the feeling worse. What is going on?

I can remember a relationship that ended after two years. Emotionally it fizzled out, so neither I nor my ex felt heartbroken. However, directly afterwards I had another relationship that lasted only four months but completely wrecked me because I had believed I would be with that girl forever. She used to talk about marriage, and at the time she probably meant it. I created a future

in my imagination where we were a happy couple with a passionate romance and an exciting social life. I thought about what our kids might look like. All this thinking and fantasizing built up a strong network of neural pathways in my brain. As far as my nervous system was concerned, I was already married to her. When I found out she was two-timing me, in an instant my dreams and ideas seemed ridiculous. Added to all my lovely future fantasies was a huge negative feeling: Cancelled. The meaning of the pictures in my head flipped. All I could see was her in bed with another guy and think what a fool I had been. As I lay awake going over and over why this had happened, I was reinforcing how sad I felt and what a loser I must be. I felt terrible, and then even worse because I didn't know if the feeling would ever end.

One day I said to myself, “This is ridiculous! I've got to stop!” But the thoughts wouldn't stop. I didn't want to think about her, but I couldn't help it. I realized that I wasn't in charge of my own brain. I was powerless while it buzzed away. This was one of the experiences that led me eventually into writing this book. I wanted to get my mind on my side, instead of having it keep me awake at night.

When an important love relationship ends, a range of different responses is triggered. We feel loss and pain. Our normal ways of thinking about the world are disrupted. Our balance is upset, and our feelings change from one minute to the next. We pine for our ex-lover, then we are overwhelmed with anger at them. One minute we are desperate to see them, the next we can't bear to have anyone mention their name. This volatility and confusion add to the misery.

Heartbreak is caused by the end of a relationship. It can also be caused when we fail to get a relationship we fervently desire. It can even happen slowly when we realize that we are in a relationship from which all the love has gone. However it happens, after the shock, it takes some time for reality to sink in. Then we experience a welter of feelings. We can be angry, sad, devastated, despairing, distraught, desperate, remorseful, regretful, ashamed, embarrassed. The emotional bombardment is overwhelming.

In the long term, we have a natural way of dealing with these feelings. We have an emotional mechanism that allows us to recover from losses and from pain. If we didn't have it, the whole world would be in mourning forever! Bereavement, parting and suffering are unavoidable parts of our life experience. The natural way we recover is by grieving.

How grief heals

Grieving is a specific process by which we gradually let go of our attachment to the people (or places or things or even possibilities) we have lost. Of course, in the first shock of heartbreak it is not much comfort to be told that things will improve in time. We might not be ready for our feelings to improve-part of us might not even have accepted what has happened yet. And even once we do accept it, it is possible to misunderstand grief. Grief happens one bit at a time. You feel bad for a while and then it stops. You feel fine, then you feel sad again, then the sadness stops. It is important to know that grief works like this, so that we are not frightened that it will carry on forever. It won't. It will stop. But while it does happen, it is important to our recovery.

You see, we experience only as much sadness as is necessary for our feelings to adjust as far as they can at any one time, then the feeling stops. When we have become used to that amount of change and loss, the unconscious lets us feel a bit more, and so on, until we have fully absorbed the whole significance of the loss. By the same token, when grief does stop, there is no need to feel guilty that we didn't care enough. Some people have told me they feel guilty about feeling all right so soon after a loss, and I have to tell them not to worry, and reassure them that they are simply being well looked after by their unconscious mind.

This process of grief can be divided into four stages. The first, denial, is where we try to reject what has happened. In the second, we accept it, but still feel angry about it. In the third stage we acknowledge our sadness, and when we reach the fourth we have accepted our loss and are able to look back and enjoy the happy memories we have.

The trouble with heartbreak, however, is that the natural process of grief does not always work properly. People can get stuck, repeating the same painful feelings over and over again. I first understood why this happened when I was working with a woman whose second husband had left her for a younger woman. Her first husband had died. As we worked together she told me, in a hesitant and ashamed tone of voice, that it had been easier to recover from being widowed than it was to recover from being left. When her first husband died her world was changed forever, but his love for her, and hers for him, was not questioned. It was an extremely painful loss, but an absolute one.

When her second husband left, it called into question the love they had had together, and the fact that he was still living in the same town made it all the more difficult for her to forget him and move on. It is these sorts of questions about the past and the future that can make heartbreak so painful and complicated.

None of us can avoid feeling some pain and sadness at the end of a relationship we cared about-as we will see, a certain amount is even necessary. But this book is dedicated to helping you avoid the unnecessary repetition of pain and distress. It helps you change the way you think and feel about the past and the future by working with your fundamental systems of thought and feeling. Better still, as you make these changes and understand them, you prepare yourself for a richer and stronger relationship in the future.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

My extended family : ME4,ME6,ME8 etc

My Extended Family.

How long must i run?

It has been too long since last i wrote a real entry for myself.

I try to find the strength and guts inside me to write this time. There's a hole, a big one inside me that i cannot filled with anything. I was pretended after all this while that i am ok with everything that happen around me. I miss everything that i ever did before. I try to walk away and not to think of it but i can't. No matter how i try, it will be back and haunted me. Guess the hole was really big.

Everyday, i've been searching for something that can make me happy but i totally wrong. The more i search for it, it will brush me off. I need you, i really do but you don't need me. So what can i do?

The best solution is keep running.

Running till i dried.