Thursday, September 20, 2012

Dear old friend it's me again. You know what's suck? I really hate the way I run my life now - all I'm see are the dreams falling into the pieces. I'm trying hard to hold it, I'm trying very hard not to give up on it because I love everything I've put inside it. It's very painful when you have to go through the phase of becoming more mature and responsible in this period. Everything started to against me in every corners, every 4 walls. I have involved too deep with my heart, I have making it too fragile, easily to break but now everything feels so different.

It Feels So Different

Dear old friend I just want to tell you one story. It feels so different now my friend. Suddenly the world feel so silent. It feels so different. The usual crowded place feels so empty. It feels so different. The noisy sound and honking seem disappear. It feels so different. The chattering doesn't sound so loud. It feels so different. The hot weather suddenly change. It feels so different. The bird no longer flying. It feels so different. The smell of sweet lotion no longer linger around my nose. It feels so different. The phone seem so silent. it feels so different. All I see are different. It feels so different. The strong will of heart no longer pumping. it feels so different. I missed the yesterday because today is killing me.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Dear Old friend.

Dear Old friend, I guess, it is been a while since I'm touching you. Sorry for negating, and not be able to give my attention to you like how I used to before. I am too tied up with lot of errands, fixing the broken life, trying hard for my happiness, pick up all the pieces I left behind. I hope you understand. As I grew older, many things has changed, how I looked at it. Lot of things has changed. Life is not as easy as before. Obstacles, challenges has come to my way. Sometime it's easy to handle and understand, but most of the times, I am facing a hard time that require me not to move forward but to pause it, look at it, analyze it. Options either to skip or to continue with it. Very tough. Life easy. I've lost so many things rather then gain along the line. Maybe it's my fault, or maybe I am not. Nobody will be able to understand me even my other half. I don't have easy life. Every single day is a long day for me. Every single day I have to deal with it. It taking a little bit of myself everyday. I have force myself to be patient, to smile and keep calm. I can't afford to lose my peace of mind. I need it badly. But despite of it, I love my life. I love the fact Allah has given me the ability to be very patient to the maximum level. Something that I've learnt in life. Patient. This word never exist in life before. Not in my dictionary. I've learned this and has gained benefit from it. A short- temper person like me, to be a patient is very alien and hard thing to do but Alhamdulillah, I managed to pull this through. I managed to avoid regular arguments, fighthings and miscommunication by being a patient person. Somehow, all the anger, all the frustrations, all the dissapointments are carefully managed and kept inside which has made me a silent person. I cried if I am too angry, frustrated and disspointed; which has given me another ability. Now I able to make myself hard to read. hard to understand. Like I said perviously, no one will able to understand me. This is the only place I can let it flow without hurting anyone, this is the place where I can say anything without being judged or without someone hurt me or my feeling. Sorry old friend. You're so loyal to me, you're good listener. You're not jugding me nor hurting me - Thank you The concept of speak my mind has become something that very sensitive in my life. Every single day I have restrict myself only to use certain words to avoid heartache. The choice of words, the body language, the expression and freedom of talking certainly has become one of my habit. I have heart to please, I have life to takecare of and have a feeling to look after. All are not mine. The big question - Who will takecare of mine? I am happy to see myself hurts, I have become unselfish, I abandoned my feeling, heart just for the happiness; The happiness that very uncertain. For how long I will be like this? For how long I can take it? I have involved too deep, love too much, care too many. I know life is not about perfection but I can't control from making a mistake that I don't even realize; unconciously. All I want is to speak up, to say what I have to say, to do it within my right and rationalization without trigger anyone's rage. That's all. All I want is people to understand me; not I have to understand other's situation and forgo mine. I felt like unappreciated. It will take only one small mistake to abolish the thousand good deed I've done. A very small mistake. Imagine if it is the big one. I believe you can understand what will happened. I know, this is too much to ask, but Allah,I know that my doa' is the last to arrived, I know all my pray sometime don't even reach your desk but one thing I know; You're always listening to me. You're here, closer, watching I need some courage to go through all this. Give me some guidance on what you have been planning for me. I am not always be stronger, there are days I can break down and cry. Guide me Ya Allah. Dear Old friend, Thank you again for lending me your time and listen to my story. Wishing you well dear friend.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

You & Me

Hello Canvas.

This would be the first time I ever expose the lady that i be with through you.
This is the person I love the most. A bless from Allah. A gift that will never be replaced.

This is the person who managed to change the whole direction in every aspect of my life, she's not just a lady, she will be my last romance.

Honestly, I am not getting any younger, At this point of time, I see that there are some changes must be made in my life for me to have a better one and definitely she's part of the changes. I'm seeing myself settle down to have a good life of two.

2 are two different peoples with different personalities. We had a lot of argumentation, a lot of clashes, lot of fights but we still love each other, look after one another and care for each other. I can be a monkey and she still love me and she can be a total baboon and yet I love her very much.

I pretty much realize that relationship is not about finding similarity, perfection and compatibility on each other but relationship is how we see each other and how make s/he feel about each other. It's about " hey, you know what, I'm not perfect but i feel thankful that you love me because of that". That's the true meaning of relationship.

It prove me wrong after all these years, What I'm looking for relationship is all about perfection. I was wrong. I am wrong indeed.

But you know, having a relationship is not all about commitment all alone, but it also a responsibility. It required a lot of patience, care and attention. Relationship is not an automatic car. It more like a manual transmission car, sometimes you might stucked during gear shifting, you have to shift gears all the time, you have to maintain your consistence at controlling your clucth, brake, gas pedal so your car won't stop and the time you have to go through the hill and you have to stop at the middle because of the traffic. If you lose your focus, your car will stop or even worst it will hit others. It required a lot of attention, patience.

Yes, we're just like any normal couple who fought, who fight for the self-defences, arguments and such but we learnt a lot from it and not to repeat the same mistake.

What I need from life now is a good life, I want to start off my family of two and I really looking forward of it.

Alhamdulillah, praise to Allah for the gift. I really blessed with this.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Coffee And Her

Hello Canvas.

I didn't write much these days. I can't find perfect time to spend a little time with you.
Time moving real fast and I am getting slower. I tried to keep up with the pace until I forget to give myself some time to relax and enjoy life.

Talking about coffee, who can resist the strong aroma that awake your sense. Roasted beans perfectly blended to make a good cup of coffee.
Actually I am not a coffee person but something about coffee that make me smile. :)

"2 cups of coffee can calm me down and made my day whenever I'm stressed or feel pressured"

The landlord lady of my life said that to me. She emphasized how coffee work for her.
Amazed to found a lady who loved thick, black and strong coffee these days. Really rare, literally rare.

Coffee always remind me of her. Someone I love. Someone I cherish and care. Someone I adore.

I am here not to talk about coffee but I wanted to tell you about her.
The best decision I ever made so far. I am the champion.

She came out of nowhere and stayed in my life. And of course, during that time, I see relationship as something that can demolish your life. Something that can break you into pieces and make you feel despair.

I've told myself to avoid from getting one and yes I managed to stay out of it for years and protect myself from hurting again. But she is something. Something about her that make me feel different.

With the pair of wide eyes, hijab and formal attire, she's quite normal to me. Nothing special about her for me to adore. Observation I did, tried to get to know her, tried to understand her.

A bubbly, sarcastically persona, sarcasm remarks make her special to me. Believe or not, I fall in love with her because of that.

I said to myself that I need to have her or will regret later. I went out from my comfort zone, from all the shelter that I built these years and tried to have her.

116 days later; She's mine.

Dear god, you have show me some light while I'm in dark, you show me the way while am lost. You have given me problem so I know the way to handle it and now you have given me a heart for me to takecare of, a person for me to love and a life for me to share with. Bless me.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


Di lubuk hatiku
Adalah kamu
Sebagai ratu

Seluruh jiwaku
Hanya dirimu
Yang aku mahu

Telah ku percayakan
Hati ini padamu
Maka kita tak saling risau
Risau risau risau

Kalau cinta jangan kacau
Kalau sayang tak perlu marah
Kalau ikhlas tak minta berbalas
Serahkan cintamu
Pada yang punya cinta

Love Ya.

Saturday, May 28, 2011


Kata demi kata jalin dengan indah. Untuk menguraikan maksud hati.
Kuberanikan diri untuk memulainya, tapi mengapa bibirku tak dapat bergerak? Terasa berat.
Malunya hati ini, bila kuingat saat itu. Kami hanya saling berpandang dan terdiam terpaku

Oh bulan hanya dirimu yang menyaksikan segalanya.Oh bulan tolonglah daku katakan padanya;
Ku cinta dia....