Friday, September 7, 2012
Dear Old friend.
Dear Old friend, I guess, it is been a while since I'm touching you. Sorry for negating, and not be able to give my attention to you like how I used to before. I am too tied up with lot of errands, fixing the broken life, trying hard for my happiness, pick up all the pieces I left behind. I hope you understand. As I grew older, many things has changed, how I looked at it. Lot of things has changed. Life is not as easy as before. Obstacles, challenges has come to my way. Sometime it's easy to handle and understand, but most of the times, I am facing a hard time that require me not to move forward but to pause it, look at it, analyze it. Options either to skip or to continue with it. Very tough. Life easy. I've lost so many things rather then gain along the line. Maybe it's my fault, or maybe I am not. Nobody will be able to understand me even my other half. I don't have easy life. Every single day is a long day for me. Every single day I have to deal with it. It taking a little bit of myself everyday. I have force myself to be patient, to smile and keep calm. I can't afford to lose my peace of mind. I need it badly. But despite of it, I love my life. I love the fact Allah has given me the ability to be very patient to the maximum level. Something that I've learnt in life. Patient. This word never exist in life before. Not in my dictionary. I've learned this and has gained benefit from it. A short- temper person like me, to be a patient is very alien and hard thing to do but Alhamdulillah, I managed to pull this through. I managed to avoid regular arguments, fighthings and miscommunication by being a patient person. Somehow, all the anger, all the frustrations, all the dissapointments are carefully managed and kept inside which has made me a silent person. I cried if I am too angry, frustrated and disspointed; which has given me another ability. Now I able to make myself hard to read. hard to understand. Like I said perviously, no one will able to understand me. This is the only place I can let it flow without hurting anyone, this is the place where I can say anything without being judged or without someone hurt me or my feeling. Sorry old friend. You're so loyal to me, you're good listener. You're not jugding me nor hurting me - Thank you The concept of speak my mind has become something that very sensitive in my life. Every single day I have restrict myself only to use certain words to avoid heartache. The choice of words, the body language, the expression and freedom of talking certainly has become one of my habit. I have heart to please, I have life to takecare of and have a feeling to look after. All are not mine. The big question - Who will takecare of mine? I am happy to see myself hurts, I have become unselfish, I abandoned my feeling, heart just for the happiness; The happiness that very uncertain. For how long I will be like this? For how long I can take it? I have involved too deep, love too much, care too many. I know life is not about perfection but I can't control from making a mistake that I don't even realize; unconciously. All I want is to speak up, to say what I have to say, to do it within my right and rationalization without trigger anyone's rage. That's all. All I want is people to understand me; not I have to understand other's situation and forgo mine. I felt like unappreciated. It will take only one small mistake to abolish the thousand good deed I've done. A very small mistake. Imagine if it is the big one. I believe you can understand what will happened. I know, this is too much to ask, but Allah,I know that my doa' is the last to arrived, I know all my pray sometime don't even reach your desk but one thing I know; You're always listening to me. You're here, closer, watching I need some courage to go through all this. Give me some guidance on what you have been planning for me. I am not always be stronger, there are days I can break down and cry. Guide me Ya Allah. Dear Old friend, Thank you again for lending me your time and listen to my story. Wishing you well dear friend.