confession of a broken heart

Hello, this is me again writing down my confessions.

Am write down my feeling on what i've feel lately. Seriously sometimes, i don't even recognised myself, i didn't fed my soul, my feelings, my needs, and my wants very well. I tend to get confuse easily nowdays. Sigh! i just dont understand what has gotten in me now. I am messed up, disorganised, and full with hangover.

Everytime i woke up in the morning, its feels like i've got nothing, nothing important for me to cheer up my day, walking laid, lagging in every sense of myself. The only thing that cheer me up because i'd still got my family and sargents around me.

I have nothing methaporaly, my life not as good as before, an imaginary salary and lifestyle that's getting fade each day. Love one? ah another story, yawing!, to bored to tell, nothing special except for i liking someone but am too afraid to tell, to weak to show and to proud to say it. Cut it short, i don't have any gut or courages anymore. I left drained.

Every single day, am grinning myself in the mirror, a fake smiles, pretend like i am the happiest man throughtout 25 billions human being in the world. Always keep saying to myself
" am good, am great, am happy today" but the fact, am nothing.

But the good things of being nothing is i have nothing to worry to, i have no alibi, no liability, i am hakunamatata, everyday is a fake-wonderful day. Sad and phatetic isnt it?

Talk about am liking someone, yes, currently am adoring someone that i really dont know whether she will adore me back, am trying hard to let go my past, my memories, am trying to let go the burden am holding for a years, a presence of absenity of someone's shadow. Am chasing a familiar shadow begs for 5 seconds to say the thing i should say long long time ago. A hold word for someone who in love, a lulaby, a songbirds, a nice fine tune of melody, ahhh... but its too late, logically, there is no way i can say it even in my dreams,

Dream are fake, a fake hapiness, a temporary light that eased the sadness but when i woke up, thel ight began to shattered, break into dusts, dissappear onto thin air. Poor, a happiness i asked whn i closed, but a long term sadness when it opens.

But life must go on, no matter how hard the life is, i choose to be in this way, i choose the path of being broken heart, i shoudn't complaints. But now, came along the new shadow, a presence of someone that i think should just enough for me to get rid all the burden, the guilty feeling. For a some reason, i seem there is a chnce to throw all the memories away, far far away to the center of the world, vacummed by the hole and dissappear forever, then came a light, a slyhp of an angel that will lead me to this fantasy of for-how-long-this-happiness-will-stay-island.

I dont ask much, only a glimps of love, a smiles of someone that i will bring it into my life, into my sleeps that finally can make me feels home, a shelter whn im in needed, someone that stay with me through thick and thin, while rainning ran dry, she will be there, to put my feet back on the ground, someone can motivate me to be far more better thn yesterday, someone that shout while there is no longer wills inside, someone that can push me while am at the virtue of giving up, it sound too much, but all of these happen to be in just one simple glimps of love.

I am asking myself again, why should i falling in love if the love am looking for wasnt there for too long? why falling if am not too sure whether the love i have found can fit the gap perfectly. I answered to myself that all of this, are something that i, she, we can amend, something adjustable, looking for perfect love only will lead me to not-so perfect love. Love's not something perfect, love are imperfect but we are the one who manage to create the perfection out of love.

If we looking for something that share the common, thn love will be there not for long, love is whn someone who lived and led of 2 differences, that nothing in common we share except for both of us are looking to fall in love. Love is where 2 different peoples make a sacrifice of each other wills, egoistic, and perception to become one,after all the adjustment, the amendment, we finally can see each other as one, every random act will reflect and deflect in each other lives, we able to sees, feels, and think as one.

If u ask me whether i look for a perfect love? i would say, am not looking for a perfect love nor imperfect but what i've been serching after all these years is a life. I want to share my life and taking a bit of her and bring into mine and vise versa. That is love to me.

If you feel and think you are the one who able to fed me, i will be waiting for u..

So this is me again, writing down my confession-shez

sy rindu kamoo

knp sy ada rasa rindu hari ni?

waktu sy menulis entry ni, sy sedang megalami migrain yg paling teruk tp sy tak mmpu untuk tido, ubat dah immune disebabkn slalu mkn..Ya allah tolong la alihkn sakit ni sebentar..

sy rasa sy rindu seseorang arini, sy asyik teringat dkt dia, hati sy berdebar2, sy tak dpt berfikir dgn btul, sume fikiran sy tertumpu kepada si dia.

Adakah ini namanya angau?sy rasa tidak, sbb sy png mengalami sakit angau dlu, dah perasaan dia berlainan dari yg ini..

angau pun tak, sy tak tau knp sy mempunyai satu hormon yg berubah2 dlm minggu ni?
Sy tnya balik kpd diri sy, knp msti sy rindu kpd dia yg tiada? adakah dia rindu sy?

adakah tuhan dah smpaikn pesanan sy kpd si dia? knp susah untuk sy mengalah, melupakan si dia? knp msti sy teringt kpd si dia setiap masa? sedangkn sy ada peluang untuk merindu si dia yg lain..knp msti sy pilih untuk trus rindu kpd dia sedangkn dia sememangnya xkn kembali?

Sy ada yg lain untuk dirindu tp si dia yg bru mungkin xrindu sy, kami tak memulakn apa2, tiada sebab untuk dia rindu sy.

adakah sy dah gila?

something better left unsaid

i really dont know and understnd my feeling right now, its something bugging me,
its about my financial.....................................................


something dat can kill me

Rasa Hati

sy tak tau kenapa harini, sy rasa lain gler dgn sargent2 sy yg lain..the way the looked at me its feels like they burn me with their eyes.

Sy pun tak tau if sy ada wat salah pepe pun..but there is a possibility kot if sy ada wat slh dgn dorg sume, i dont know, we get to close sumtimes, and mybe cara saya berckpke ada menyakitkn hati dorg sume but sy a bit terasa la bler sy tgk theway the look at me bkn cara dorg lihat sy mcm biasa..

xpela, mybe pasal event kot, or mybe pasal benda lain but benda2 ni sume wat sy tkut la, nk ckp pepe, nk wat pepe, im afraid to hurt sumone, i cant afford to make sumone sad anymore..

sy tak tau apa yg sy nk wat, nk diamkn diri or pretend cm tiada pepe yg berlaku ke or should i just go away..

tah la, tak tau lah, but sy mmg terasa hati sket arini..

Harini sume org badan berbau printer!

hahahah, harini, sy dan 3 org sargent kesygan sy (nora,fatin n reef) telah kuar mencari tempat untuk print tshirt..nk ke pudu katanya..

so smpai ktorg park keta kt pudu plaza, memasing cm diam sbb td kena ceramah sket pasal lagging time.hehehe (sorry, xde niat untuk tegur, sy tegur sbb sy care pasal korg)

ktorg dah mcm peserta amazing race dah pergi ke satu tmpat ke satu tempat, terlanggak2, mcm rusa masuk kmpung..

rasanya if jauh jalan ktorg tu boleh dikira ikut garisan lurus, rasanya ktorg berjalan cm, dari giant setiawangsa ke jj aeon au2 ulang alik 2 kali...

last2 bler hmpir nk putus asa, ktorg jumpe lah apek sorg ni menjadi penyelamat..

"lu pegi sana ahh, itu lu nmpk ka tiga q sana?itu aaaa, sana sana...lu pegi sana, cali kidai nama one stop.sana diaolang buat itu baju ooo"

sy dan reef pun berjalan la ke sana. Nora dan fatin tgu di kedai yg memula..penat agaknya

ktorg smpai kt kedai tu thn mulakn niat ktorg td.so setelah hbis kelentong uncle philip tu, so misi agaknya berjaya kot...

so kepada sume student event & risk management, jgn putus asa, sy akn tolong korg sedaya mana yg sy mampu..

korg boleh buat, sy mmg yakin korg boleh.sy yakin 101% korg boleh buat..so keep up the good work.jgn give up...

Oh Em Ji Oh Em Ji Oh Em Ji

Oh Em Ji Oh Em Ji Oh Em Ji (omg,omg,omg)

arini dgr satu berita yg cam happy dari salah sorg sargent kesayangan sy..

5 peoples you meet in heaven

Aqilah once asked me whether i already read 5 people u meet in heaven by Mitch Albom.Yes i did it b4, but that was long long time ago

here's quotations taken from the novel:

"All the people you meet here have one thing to teach you." Eddie was skeptical. His fists stayed clenched. "What?" he said. "That there are no random acts. That we are all connected.

That you can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind."

"Fairness doesn't govern life and death. For if it did, no good man would ever die young."

"It is because the spirit knows deep down that all lives intersect. That death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else. And in that small distance, lives are changed."

"One withers, another grows."

"Each affects the other and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one."

"Strangers," the Blue Man said,"are just family you have yet to come to know."

"No life is a waste," the Blue Man said. "The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone."

"All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped."

"That's what heaven is. You get to make sense of your yesterdays."

I really love the fourth person eddie met in heaven, his wife:

It is never easy to deal with the loss of a loved one, and nearly impossible to cope with the premature death of a spouse. Although life is finite, love is eternal. Marguerite explains to Eddie that even after a loved one dies, the feeling of love lives on. In the absence of a physical connection, another emotion grows stronger than before: memory. As they dance together at their own wedding they share a final embrace, until Marguerite disappears and Eddie is once again left alone.

Ya Allah! samanya dgn mimpi aku...aduhhhh

Kinda cool for a young lady to read this kind of reading mterial.Yes thanks qila for reminding me of what i've already forget.

5 people i want to meet in heaven

1) Muhammad bin Abdullah

2) Rosli Enjah

3) Alimah Abd Hamid

4) Mashitah Danessya

5) And you (people who read this)

Littlest Dream

Sometimes I find myself sitting back and reminiscing 
Especially when I have to watch other people kissing 
And I remember when you started calling me your Mr 
All the play fighting 
All the flirtatious disses 
I’d tell you sad stories about my childhood 
I dunno why I trusted you but I knew that I could 
We’d spend the whole weekend 
Lying in our own dirt 
I was just so happy to see you in my boxers and my t-shirt 

Dreams, dreams of when we had just started things 
Dreams of you and me 
It seems, it seems 
That I can’t shake those memories 
I wonder if you have the same dreams too 

Drinkin’ tea in bed, watchin’ DVD’s 
When you discovered all my dirty, grotty magazines 
I’d take you out shopping 
And all we’d buy is trainers 
As if we ever needed anything to entertain us 
The first time that you introduced me to your friends 
And you could that tell I was nervous, so you held my hand 
When I was feeling down, you’d make that face you do 
There’s no-one in the world who could replace you 

The littlest things that take me there 
I know it sounds lame but it’s so true 
I know it’s not right but it seems unfair 
That thing’s are reminding me of you 
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend 
Even if only for one weekend 
So come on 
Tell me 
Is this the end? 

Dream of You and Me

Mlm td sy tersedar dari tido, terjaga dari lena, tersentak oleh mimpi sy yg amat menakutkn. Sy lihat waktu tu jam 3 pagi. Bak kata org, mimpi tu mainan tido. Sy termangu sebentar, sy lihat kiri, lihat kanan, sy buka tingkap lihat langit. sedikit bintang yg muncul malam tu. Sy masih lagi membisu, gagal untuk melelapkn mata kembali, sy nyalakn rokok, hembuskn asap ke udara, sy leka melihat asap2 rokok tu terapung sedangkn pada hakikatnya sy sedang membunuh diri sy.

Sy terfikir pasal mimpi td, sy masih lagi dgn rokok dimulut, sy kecilkn volume aircond, terlalu sejuk, ruang bilik semakin sejuk takala pagi, sy masih lagi tak dapat berfikir dgn waras, masih mamai dan termangu

Sy lihat handphone, tiada sapa yg msg ataupun call sy, masih lagi dgn tingkap yg terbuka luas, sy lihat kembali langit, sy leka melihat bintang walaupun jumlah yg sedikit tp bintang2 xpernah gagal menemani sy diwaktu pagi. Sebatang rokok lg dinyalakn, disulami dgn tegukn air suam yg sedia ada dimeja. Sy termenung jauh.Sy xfaham apakah maksud mimpi td, apa yg sebenarnya yg hendak diberitahu? Sy keliru, takut nk memikirknnya.

Sy cuba tenangkn fikiran, lagu dari mp3 sy mainkn, tp itu pun gagal untuk menenangkn perasaan sy, hati sy berubah menjadi bermacam2 rasa, perasaan sy bercampur2, terdapat peluh2 sejuk walaupun cuaca pagi xpanas, itu tandanya diri sy xtenang, otak makin berkecamuk. 

Sy keliru!

Kenapa sy bermimpikn mashy yg datang dgn senyuman tetapi dia berpimpin tgn dgn seseorang yg sy tak kenali.Dia melambai2 kepada sy tanpa sebarang kata. Senyuman yg dilemparkan tanpa sebarang kata, melambai seperti menyuruh sy dtg kepadanya tetapi dia berpimpin dgn yg lain.

Adakah itu tandanya yg dia gembira? atau apakah yg dia cuba smpaikan? atau juga mashy memberitahu bhw sudah smpai masanya untuk sy juga pergi kepadanya?

dan kenapa selepas dia tersenyum, melambai2kn tgnya dan dia pergi berlalu?

" kau hancurkn aku dgn sikapmu, tak sedarkah kau telah menyakiti ku, lelah hati ini menyakinkn mu, cinta ini..membunuhku"

Terus sy tersedar dan sehingga kini sy masih tertanya2, apakah maksud sebenar mimpi itu?

Jika benar masa sy akn tiba, sy ingin minta maaf dgn org2 yg sy kenal jika sy ada buat salah, terkasar bahasa, tersilap kata, tingkah laku, 

dan jika maksudnya yg dia sedang gembira, sy gembira untuk awk disini

"tak kn pernah hbis, air mataku, bila ku ingt ttg dirimu, mungkin hanya kau yg tahu, mengapa sampai saat ini ku masih sendiri..Adakah disana kau rindu padaku? mski kita kini ada didunia berbeza, bila masih mungkin waktu ku putar, kan ku tnggu dirimu.Biarlah ku simpan, smpai akhir aku kn ada disana, tenang lah dirimu, dlm kedamaian, ingtlah cintaku, kau tak terlihat lagi, namun cintamu abadi..."

Letting you all go is the hardest thing i will faced

Harini, sy tak tau mcm mana nk ceritakn or cernakn perasaan sy.Jrg sy rasa a pure hapiness mcmni, eventhough org2 yg ada disekeliling sy tu boleh sy ckp memula stranger to me, sy xkenalkn mereka sume but setelah mengajar, jumpa, kuar, dan mula kenal hati budi memasing, sy rasa mungkin ada sebab knp tuhan gerakn hati sy untuk terima kerja untuk mengajar kt miim..

Sy rasa mcm proud parent, a happy brother and fren arini, sy tgk mereka semua dgn perangai masing2, dgn cerita masing2, dgn gaya dan keriangan sume, meraka ni sume dah isi satu ruang kosong dlm hati sy.

Percaya x if sy ckp, sy rasa touching sket masa sy tulis entry ni, sy tak tau kenapa sbb sy tau apa yg saya rasa dan lihat ni xkekal, sbb dorg makin membesar, xselamanya mcm tu, mybe lg 4-5 tahun nti, nora,reef,allya,sara,emma,lynn,qila,adila,mira,mas,ecah,wawa,widae,pelly,angah,farid,mel,ahtong,bobo,alyn sume akn berubah, dorg akn ada jalan hidup dorg sume, membesar, berkeluarga..

letting them go is the hardest thing i will faced in the future, sy akn rasa susah untuk melepaskn dorg pergi, sy dah syg dorg sume..

sy xdpt nk truskn entry sy sbb sy tak tau apa yg sy rasa nti dan sy tkut bler masa tu akn smpai.

Dari Setiawangsa Ke Kuala Selangor

Oh Em Ji, Oh Em Ji!

Harini sy ada wedding invitation dkt Kuala Selangor (tah btul tah dorg invite tah) Student Miim Kwin, walaupun sy xmengajar wahidah tp sy ttp pegi atas dasar kenal muke jer.. So sy pickup penumpang setia sy, Nora, Allya, Reef, dan Sarah untuk pegi ke sana, 

Actually ktorg g konvoi dgn satu keta lg,Ahtong, Alyn, Bobo timberlake dan halleda yg sememangnya sy xkenal tp dia super comel..

So ktrog bertolak dari setiawangsa dlm kul 10 lebih, perjalanan menggunakan jalan lama mmg memenatkn bile byk sgt pokok kelapa sawit dan reef xhbis2 dgn ceramah ladang Sime Darby dia. Allya plak teruja bler dgr kuantan. (Kg Kuantan la allya, bkn kuantan, tido lagi, kan dah smpai korea!)

So perjalanan yg memenatkn tp ok la sbb jarang jgk dpt lalu jalan kmpung ni..., nutiing much thn bumped dgn nana masa on the way. 

So masa ktorg smpai, alyn dah mula wat malu2 babi dia bler nmpk myra,kekasih hati, bkn main besar lagi lubang hidung nmpk gf..cewahh sy pun cmtu jgk kot!

ktorg smpai kt Ibu Pejabat Polis Daerah Kuala Selangor, sy, ahtong & Bobo Timberlake saja dajal nk jalan kt gerbang tu, kekonon cm vip ar..podahhh la bobo!

Mcm biasa la if pg kenduri kwin ni, mkn la cite utama dia, Wawa lawa gler, Mas pun sama, Mel pun sama tp sume dah ada bf la plak..cis!

Muka yg sy kenal kt sana: Nora, Reef, Allya, sarah, Nana, Wawa, Mel, Mas, Pelly, Angah, Farid,Amad, Aqilah, Adila, Emma, Lynn,Ecah, Amin yg ada masa tu

mkn,mkn,mkn dan mkn! thn bob timberlake mula cucuk lain ngorat mak wawa dlu..siap dah ber"mak-mak" plak! aduh!

Mkn,mkn,mkn dan mkn, thn dah petang, mcm biasa la, pekara utama slain mkn adalah mengutuk..Pakcik dj tu mmg hebat, dari ktorg smpai, smpai ke pukul 3 lebih, dia non stop menyanyi lagu hindustan..adoyai, rasa nk grip jer pakcik tuh!

Pakcik tu dah lupa ni majlis sapa, dia wat cm annual dinner plak dtg meja ke meja tp pkcik tu mmg sporting..

Pastu sy kena serang dgn mak Aqilah tnya pasal kolej, aduh aunty, jgn ler serang cmtu, gugur jntung sy...

Petang menjelang, pas potong kek, majal sy mula melanda bler pkcik penyanyi dtg kt saya g nyanyi lak ajak join! adoi..nk xnk kena la sporting..layan jer la pkcik tu siap suruh nyanyi plak, org tua tu nk kena sekeh ni!

thn kul 5 ktorg kuar dari kuala selangor with a one happy moment...

To widae, Selamat Pengantin Baru and last but not least, oh pkcik Dj, kau sungguh mengelikan hati!

My Revealing Shirt! SHEZ : SH (shah) E(al) Z(zefflee) = S H E Z

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